Fear

I woke up early, it was still a bit dark outside and cold.I was quite stiff from the five days trek but the will was as strong as ever and was very confident. Today we cross over KongmaruLa (La in Ladakhi lingo means pass). Unlike other days, the climb started straightway, there was no leisurely walk to warmup. It was a very steep climb, every breath was a struggle. It started to snow, and then turned to rain. But the challenge was the inspiration, the pace was slow but steady. After about 1 hr of climb, I reached the top of an intermediate pass, Nimaling was still 2 hrs away and then the actual pass, Kongmarula.

These moments come back to me, for I cant carry on my own forever like this. I need your help, a firm commitment. My faith, my intuition is wavering, I am not complaining , for how long can it stand on its own, I have no regrets, I did all I could, gave it all I had, if its not enough then I have got nothing more on my side. I am tired. Slowly I am feeling the transition, I am becoming insensitive, indifferent, little my little. I dont want it this way, but my defense mechanisms automatically kick in. I cant control that. Your answer that day still haunts, suppresses all I scheme and I am afraid one day will make me indifferent. I will still wait till then.

How I wanted to break free and now when I see the first signs of it , how I want to cling on, hoping against hope.Now the fear is at my end, fear of loosing what I was for you, fear of not being able to feel it again, for you.I dont want it just to be a memory. I will still wait, but for how long, I dont know.