InCompetence!

I am totally incapable of it, I would want to be passively aggressive towards someone , someone who I know hurt me, but I just cant. Intially I would be angry , full of rage and then it all dies down, totally chilled out. It has its advantages, it doesnt bother me, emotions are not bottled up inside me. But still when I know nothing can be good from this dude, shouldnt I be more cautious, but no. For me its either a good it ints purest sense, or "I Dont Fucking Care" , oblivious, I will again give the opportunity to you to get back at me , I want to be on gaurd, I would talk myself to it....but just for a moment.

I understand that this is not what I want, why harbour negative feelings, but atill there needs to be some negative feelings towards someone , not every one is nice and understanding...but I just forget and forgive. When I am happy you will see me, when I am sad you will find it out , when I am indifferent you will realize it, I just dont get a chance to be devious , cunning and in a way smart , I cant mislead you , though I would like to atleast to some people, but then who will make the effort , let it be! There are people who can so effortlessly do this, sometimes I am envious, wow, I think thats smart , there is a certain cautiousness from others while dealing with these guys , with me ohh its Tushar .... You can have a lot of friends but at a cost , I dont want to be like this ! But I am just too lazy really what else could be the reason, I have become 'friends' with just about everyone.

When I look back I cant really find anyone who I can say with authority that he is my enemy, may he rot in hell ! May be he had his reasons, he must have a reason to hurt me ! and besides, why should he care for me, I dont care for everyone ! and thats it all is forgiven! if not initially after a while it doesnt matter, isnt it essential that you remain hostile or atleast passively hostile , watch out for people like this ? I am not claiming to be a saint, I am not I am just not capable enough to hold on to that hatred for that long, carelss you might say.