What is it ?

There are times when I find myself in this hole, not bitter about anything but thinking about the futility of life. whats the meaning of it, an existential crises.Its a bitter thought , nothing makes sense, impatient, restless my thoughts race from one place to another, searching for an answer but nothing. I feel one with Kierkegaard, Dostoevsky I think can understand what they went through. Everything 'good' about life appears as a mere farce like in a movie an act played by someone. Strangely in times like this, no anger, no disappointment ...none of those negative feelings, yet I wonder about me about us . us as humans what are we doing here in a hot, crowded flat world.

And then something triggers a complete about turn, it could be anything, a good sleep, a dream a book, a scene in tv , an article I read on the net, something, well it has to be something that triggers this, it cannot just happen on its own, it has to be one these external stimli. What ever it is brings a sea of change. I am calm but in a positive way, marvelling at his creation, thanking him for allowing me to experience his creation.

I wonder cant I just live somewhere in between, cant I just live till my body gives up, cant i just be a statistic, There is a certain charm in being anonymous..... anonymous with yourself... anonymous to your thoughts. Just live .. perhaps like a vegetable ...grow ripen fall off ...no ambition ...no protests ...no cares in the world...no concerns about others..... about the world....just live and if someone plucks me before I ripen ... then also ...it doesnt matter... why have these feelings why get involved with anything ? Be inert just for the sake of it ..find peace ..not for any goal or Nirvana or anything , just for the sake of it be ....inert without any motive.

Haha ... all this coming from someone who over the coming weekend
wants to play a cricket match
attend a rock concert in another city
and in the near short term want to doa century on his bike ....

well see thats the problem thats my other side. This inert philosophy is me now , but as I look across the romm at this other figure, smiling...I am ... well fading away ....